Still Healing...

Ok, I know I am supposed to be in bed....we all know how well that is working out, right? I have been in bed all week, I had to get out for a little bit today!!!

I went to Ashley's t-ball game & I PROMISE I sat in a chair the whole time! I did get a little sunburned on my face thanks to my new sensitive skin while on the antibiotic, but other than that I did ok. I know it will be a while before word gets around, but I just want to say...the awkwardness of having to explain to people what has happened is not fun. Especially when they walk up and say "OH, I hear you are pregnant, Congratulations!" When I say "we were, but we miscarried this week" I get different reactions. I guess some people think its great that I am already up & around living life, but others feel I should be at home mourning our loss or something to that effect.

I just want to make it clear, we are VERY devastated by our loss, but we also have two happy, healthy, beautiful little girls to love and care for. Some people don't ever get that chance. My life doesn't have to stop for me to mourn my unborn child. I want to move forward with our family and live life. Is that really so wrong? Thank you all once again for being here for our family. We truly do love and appreciate every bit of support and kindness right now.

*To the person who shall remain nameless - your apology meant nothing. Stay away from me.

Healing...

I wanted to wait until we had all the facts and had time to process all this for ourselves...but I also feel I need to share, especially other moms, so I can begin to heal. Thank you for reading, I love you all.

We've had a miscarriage. Yes, we had a strong heartbeat 2 weeks ago and everything was fine. Sunday, I began having some cramps and light bleeding. We chose to go to the ER Monday evening & then after MANY ultrasounds...no heartbeat & the baby was only measuring at about 9 weeks. At our appointment, it was confirmed. My hormone levels that would normally double in 48 hours had been cut in half. We chose to set up a D&C for Friday morning to avoid the risks involved with "the natural way." It was not my first choice, but due to some health complications, it thought it would be the safest way.

However, God knows best. Less than 3 hours after scheduling that appointment, I began having contractions and severe bleeding. Minutes later, I held my tiny 2 inch baby in my hands looking at its tiny little hands with fingers, its tiny baby toes, and its little eye buds that were still forming...along with me bleeding profusely...it was more than I could handle. We rushed to the ER where I passed the rest of the placenta and other fluids. I had to have another trans-vaginal ultrasound to make sure there were no clots, tissue, etc left behind in my uterus to avoid infection or complications with future pregnancies. Finally, I was given two meds...one to help with cramping/bleeding and one to prevent infection....then sent home to sleep off my pain meds. It has been a hard week, and we are dealing with everything slowly.

I am so lucky to have Matthew. He held himself together at a time where he could have easily fallen apart on the floor next to me...because I needed him more. He showed me once again that he is my other half and will always be here for me. There are those who have no soul & choose to use this time to attack me. I just hope they know that I am a strong person with an even stronger support system behind me. I will not let words or actions get me down or make me stoop to that level. You ask...What kind of person would kick someone when they are down like this? If you think hard enough, you'll probably guess.

I know that nothing I nor my husband have done could have caused this unfortunate event. We will get through this and try again when we are ready. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, whether we know that reason at the time...or never even figure it out for ourselves. I love my husband and our entire families. I knew I had a wonderful group of friends, but I never knew the magnitude of how much you all cared until this week. Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, cards...and so much more!!! Please pray for us to have the wisdom and strength to tell Ashley & Madyson so that they will understand.

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Just a sidenote of strong emotion...those of you who have or will use abortion as a means of birth control because YOU were irresponsible...SCREW YOU!!! I held MY 9-12 week old "embryo" in my hands and it was a BABY!!! If I have hurt your feelings, tough, I'm not sorry. This is not directed at those who have extreme situations due to abuse or forced intercourse by any means, but merely at those who could have used a condom or other form of birth control but were too lazy or didn't care then decided to kill their child because of THEIR irresponsibility.

Time...

Everyone...just letting you know that I need some "alone" time for a while.

Some intuitive people, as well as our close family and friends know or will figure out why. We thank you all for your thoughts and prayers while we navigate through this difficult time in our lives.

Qu'est que c'est pas?

OMGosh!!! Ash's team won their game Saturday! She scored a run, had a RBI, and struck out once...and it was so much fun to watch! While she was supposed to be playing Right Center, she even found me a heart shaped rock, isn't that sweet? We are going to wash & paint it this week and I can't wait.

Madyson was SUPER at the game. Since I am team mom & stay in the dugout, its usually up to Matt or Angie to corral her, but she was GREAT! She tried to give me her version of a Play-by-Play after the game, it was so cute. She can't wait to start t-ball, too bad it will be 2 years, LOL!

Saturday night I took my hubby to see IRON MAN. I wanted to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but that's ok, we'll see it this week. I thought Iron Man was pretty good, he thinks it "kicked ass!" Boys!!!

This week we'll have 2 Tball games, Ash will have kindergarten screening, & she'll turn 5 on Saturday! OMGosh, I will have a 5 year old in 6 days...geez!

I hope everyone has a great week, I know I will...hugs!!!

spare minute

I have a few minutes while the girls are eating breakfast w/Matt...then starts our busy day!!!

Last night was Skate Night for Grays Chapel...I just wanted to tell everyone...MADY is SOOO cute roller skating! Last night was the first time she'd ever been on them & she rocked! She wouldn't let anyone hold her hand (except Ashley when they were dancing of course, LOL). Her favorite was the Hokey Pokey! Ashley's been on skates a while, so she thought Mady could use her help, but I think she was on her butt more than the tiny one! I was going to skate, but Angie & Jamie wouldn't let me (heiffers, j/k).

Also, this Saturday is "Super Saturday" for Ashley's t-ball team. This is like one big "homecoming" with EVERY Whites Memorial team having a home game, starting with our team at 9 am. There is a pork barbeque lunch/dinner beginning at 11 am as well as a 50/50 Raffle (the winner gets half the ticket sales). Each child is responsible for selling at least 12 tickets for the 50/50 raffle. They are $1 each or 6 for $5. The money will be going to Whites Memorial Ball Field for improvements. Ash has already sold her first set of 12 and is working on some more! If you or anyone else would like any, please give me a call. We have to turn them in Saturday morning before the game, so Friday would be the last chance to get any.

Midnight Owl

Hey people...still up? Just wanted to say HI & thanks for reading my blogs! I appreciate all the messages & support. We know that life can be hard, and we're doing all we can to make it easier on both girls. I have a few more moments than I did earlier, so...

Speaking of the girls, they are AWESOME!!!

Ash is loving TBALL & I love being at all of her games & practices cheering her on (whether in the stands or helping in the dugout). She is getting so smart & we love hearing her views on everything going on in her life. She picks up on a lot that people don't realize. We know our life isn't perfect, whose is? She's much happier now that she is adjusted and involved.

Madyson is still a fireball! She is like the energizer bunny, she definitely keeps going and going...even after she is asleep! Yeah, she takes after me & never stays in one place at night. All that energy!!! We've even had to buy a t-ball set of her own because she wanted to play with Ash so badly! I have learned to take a nap when she does, LOL. I am so proud of her and what she is already accomplishing.

I thank God every day for them and pray when they aren't near that God keeps them safe. Its very hard to know that we teach them respect and love for everyone, only to be fought at every turn. There is enough hatred in the world.

We are 8 weeks pregnant now! Yes, we are excited and will continue to be! Yes, our girls are excited & are going to be a BIG part of the pregnancy as well. See, that's the greatest thing about the birth center...it's a FAMILY experience!!! That is the beauty of childbirth...it isn't something for just parents, but for siblings as well. They can be at every appointment and experience everything we are comfortable with. I feel blessed to be able to share and teach Ashley & Madyson about a healthy pregnancy & how to maintain balance.

Here's a few quotes I thought would be fun...

"Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul." Thomas Moore

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." Eda Levine

Today

LOL! Just wanted to say...I LOVE OUR LIFE! The girls wake up every morning ready to face the world with their beautiful smiles. Yeah, they have their "i want to eat your face" moments, but hey, who doesn't?

Ashley is ECSTATIC about our pregnancy & Mady doesn't quite get it, but follows Ashley's lead! Today they put small beach balls under their shirts and were "pregnant." They were so cute! They took their "babies" out & traded them for dolls...then they fed, rocked, and played with them the rest of the day! Now that we are getting ready for dinner, Ashley asked if they could bring their babies to dinner...we'll see how that works out!

Matt has in-service training this week, which means he only works tonight & this weekend! We are looking forward to some quality family time & may even find something new & fun to try. I can't wait 'til November when we welcome our newest family member into our home! Even more, I am excited to see what personality he/she will throw into our mix!!! It can't be any crazier, it can just get better!!!

Some people try to rain on our parade, we won't let them. I hope everyone else is enjoying their lives as much as we are!

C'est la vie.

Busy day today! Cooking for Matt's PD colleagues...they have their firearms training today & our house is 10 minutes from the training center, so we'll be doing dinner here on their break. Matt is sleeping until around 12:30 because he worked last night & I hope its a "good day" for the girls, LOL...Wish me luck!

On a side note, lets take a vote...Who would willingly give up their entire summer break with their child to just to stop an appeal??? HAHAHAHA NOT US, that's for sure. She thinks that sending a letter offering to drop her appeal if we give her all but the first/last week of summer vacation EVERY YEAR! YEAH RIGHT! We countered by offering her another week, which would give her 5, equal to half the summer. We'll see how that goes next week sometime!

Summer vaction is family time not only for us, but our extended families as well...grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. We plan on taking trips just like any other family. So, I am sure we'll have another battle on our hands soon, but we are prepared. I wish there were another way, c'est la vie. Please pray for Ashley & our family as we navigate through yet another courtroom drama!

Weekend Update

Friday night was SO much fun! We had our Preschool Pajama Party at church. Ashley & Mady had a blast. I brought Angie with me for some back up & I am so glad I did! There were so many things to do! We made Smile Face Flower Wreaths, Visors, Picture Frames, & a Handprint Sun Hanger! We played with playdough & deorated cookies...then we all chilled on our blankets for a Bible story! To finish off the evening, we had a "Parade" with Moroccas (which we were so thankful to take home, LOL).

Saturday, Ashley’s game was cancelled. I called her mom & asked her if she’d like some extra time with her, then dropped her off at 10:30. WOW, the rest of the day was super fun, LOL. Prom dress shopping with Lindsay & Becca ALL over Greensboro in the RAIN!!! I helped them pick out some BEAUTIFUL dresses that fit them so wonderfully! I can’t wait to do their makeup & see them "all done up" with their dates!

Today has been a lounging day with the Tiny one. Right now, she’s napping, so I am taking a few minutes to catch up on my emails...Hope everyone has had a great weekend!

On the baby front...STILL no morning sickness (guess I got lucky this time). Matt thought his was over, but it revisits him often, LOL. I’ve even lost a few more pounds...yay! Ashley is constantly telling people "her baby" will be here after Halloween and before Thanksgiving! (that was the easiest way for us to explain) Madyson is beginning to understand that she can’t climb on my tummy...that just means she climbs on my legs & head now, LOL. This pregnancy really is a blessing. I have removed myself from the Drama that was infecting my life & am taking steps to keep it that way everyday! Some people think they can ruin other people’s happiness because they aren’t able to be happy. I hope they get the clue that the only person that can truly affect your happiness is yourself. LIFE IS GREAT!!!

YAY PREGNANCY!

Just wanted to say...I LOVE PREGNANCY (so far, LOL)

I am sure that I will have my not-so-great moments in the days to come, but right now, all is well! By this time with Mady’s pregnancy I couldn’t keep anything down, but not this time! I am eating healthy, it’s staying in my tummy & I have even lost a little weight (awesome).

The best part, well at least the funniest, is that Matt is having "sympathy sickness" HAHAHA...he thought it was SOOO easy for me last time & couldn’t understand the naseau...he isn’t laughing so hard now. SCORE ONE for women everywhere!

Ashley is being my "big helper" and won’t let me pick anything up. She tells Mady that she has to "be easy with mommy because her baby is in her tummy." Mady still doesn’t get it and still climbs all over me of course, but I think she is starting to understand a little. Ash just wants to kiss the "baby" all the time...she even gives her "baby hugs" that we showed her how to do when we were pregnant w/Madyson...she still remembers!!!

I am so glad that both of them get to be such a big part of the pregnancy! The birth center is WONDERFUL about that! They get to go to every one of my appointments and experience everything!!! We are hoping to video most of the "big moments" w/this pregnancy! Ashley is already such a great big sister & I am sure Mady will follow right in her footsteps.

This pregnancy is SOOOOO much less stressful than Mady’s!!! No crazy boss, no crazy people, no crazy stupid termites (LOL)!!! I am going to keep it that way no matter what. I have made a promise to myself & my family that NO person, event, or thing will have an impact on our child if I choose not to let it. I am staying away from "the drama" and focusing on myself, my baby, and my family. So, if you have the "drama bug" STAY AWAY!!!

WOOHOO!!! November will NEVER get here fast enough!!!